Nobody < em> really likes going to the doctors do they? I want, that antiseptic bouquet, the silence of the waiting area except for the quirky sigh and sniffle, and don’t come me started on those magazines.
However as far as possibilities for touchy situations get, going to the doc’s can be slapstick amber. From hilariously misinformed( read: foolish) patients, to doctors with a wickedly baked sense of humour, we at Bored Panda have compiled a roster of instances when doctor/ patient interactions were just extremely funny.
Scroll down to check them out below, and don’t forget to vote for your favorite!
As I leaned in to check her looks, my older case got a little frisky.
“You prompt me of my third partner, ” she said coyly.
“Third husband? ” I questioned. “How many have you had? ”
“Here, ” says the nanny, siding the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks, ” he says, reverting the empty-bellied receptacle. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
My patient announced she had good information … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked, ” she said.
“What’s the bad news? ” I requested.
“It perceived awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.
When I went to the ER to have a pain ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But medical doctors knew how to appease me down.
“Don’t expresses concern about a stuff, ” he assured me. “I time gaped up how to play this running on YouTube.”
Scene: The operating theater. I’m inspecting the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical paraphernalium, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement nature valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the food market and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.
I gave my patient the results of her sleep analyse: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 experiences per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back? ”
During surgery, my fellow citizen bumped headings with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr Jones, a rally of the minds, ” he said, chortling it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I experienced so alone.”
I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Detecting some distres “back there”, I reached down and patted medical doctors on the intelligence.
“It’s OK, Yehudi, ” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.
The day after I had surgery on my leg, a wet-nurse is entered into my hospital room with a box in her mitt. “Are you ready for this? ”
“What is it? ” I expected.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it? ”
She rechecked the requires. “Whoa! It said paws elevated! ”
I made my puppy to the veterinarian bc she had these strange humps on her belly. As I was waiting in the exam office I suddenly recognise the latter are her teats. When the vet came in I sheepishly told him that I am a complete idiot. He was awesome. He said, “Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to open this door and you're just going to walk out. Don't stop at the breast desk to check out or compensate, only keep walking.”. In my defense…no. There's no defense.
s new a
titanium eyeglasses broke. When he generated the many sections back to the optometrist to have the glasses ousted, the aide asked what had happened.
They fell under the lawn mower, a
she said , nodding. a
Were you wearing them at the time? a
A gentleman announces our place with questions about an upcoming measure he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the methods used.
m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, thata
s no problem. You can always call and ask for refinement when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! Youa
ve been very helpful.
Call it a
| carma! A automobile are subordinate to a pregnant case was broken into. The only occasion that was stolen was a wine bottle in a chocolate-brown paper bag. It turns out, thata
s where she was maintaining her urine test, which shea
d “ve brought” to be tested.
The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from irritation of the cervix. Referred, she necessitated that he research her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, a
m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.a
She shot back, a
How do you are familiar with? You havena
t analyzed him yet.a
I had an 8 year old-time teenager in the OR say “You mother fu* kers! ” right before she fell asleep.
I'm an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical spins and I had an old-time guy wake up and the first thing he requested was “do I still have my projectiles? ” and I told him “yep, both of them” and he said “both? Aw you guys are great”
I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medication because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realise he was asking for his constipation medication.
“I have the Ebola”. “Sir, you actually had a heart attack.” “Because of the Ebola”
Emergency surgeon here
Got announced 2 a.m. because individual patients demanded to see me because “her daughters farts smelled too bad”
Kept a straight face.
My mom's an ER nurse and she said once some crazy noblewoman came in and deplored hat she had the whooping coughing. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a thunderous “woooOOOP! “
There was a chap who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.
When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, “wow , now I know what a Muppet feels like! ” He had to stop a time to recapture his composure.
It was 3am and I'd been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was wearied. A pit dressed boy came in with his 8 year age-old, healthy appearing, son. I asked him “whats being” the problem. He said, “Well, I was at a wed and it came to me that my son is a little short-lived. Can you give him something right now to start him taller? “
Me coming out of anesthesia: “Man, you're handsome.”( To Asian doctor .) He delayed two seconds, then thanked me.
I woke up from anesthesia and asked the wet-nurse what mascara she was wearing.
When I came out from having my prudence teeth plucked I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said “Charlatan! I involve you return my teeth! They are quarry and I will choose where they are to be spend! ” My dad said he couldn't stop laughter because I wouldn't leave without them. When I woke up at home I queried my daddy why my teeth were in a plastic pouch on the table, he told me everything and swiftly started announcing me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.
Answered the couch dismay for a 90 time aged this evening.
Nurse: “Where are you going? “
Patient: “I have to go.”
Nurse: “Where? “
Patient: “Well I don't wanna be here.”
Me more, damsel. Me too.
I questioned a female case with dementia what year it is. She said, “Oh, my , no, that's far too personal to discuss in affable busines. A nice young lady like you shouldn't be concerned with such things.”
I didn't bother pointing out that I'm not a girl. I figured if she didn't discover the beard, then she wasn't going to understand written explanations either.
One of my 5 cases tonight continues squealing maybe once every 2 minutes, becoming “OWWWWWW !!! ” as if she's looking at a handsome serviceman. I've requested her several times why she's scream( waiting to see if she's in any aching) and her refutes range from “I didn't know I was squealing, ” to “It's a habit.”
Went about an anal difficulty. Medical doctors situated his thumb up to check all was ok, I made a insignificant racket and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That's nice”, instead of “That's ok”.
Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of strength sections. Ignites dipped out, generators knocked in.
As he's finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the illuminates go out again. He comes up and steps out to check on things.
Fifteen minutes later I'm still sat on the couch with my old chap out and heaves around my ankles. A nurse march past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
“….do you…do you have an appointment? “
Turns out the doc had actually finished the written examination, and returned to the district some 15 minutes ago. To the wet-nurse I was just some guy “whos been” accompanied in and plucked his pants down and left the door open.
During a yearly check-up the doc is very concerned about my value. I predicted him I'd do better and next year I would be back down to a health weight.
Maybe a week or so later my doc discovered me at a local tavern with a layer of hot offstages in front of me and a beer of brew. He was a bro and didn't say anything but I could see the seem of disappointment in his eyes.
The stupidest concept I've been to the doctor for: I made my young lad in because he had a regularly scheduled rash on his lower back. It wasn't until I was in the doctor's part that I noticed that it had exactly the same motif as the vent envelop on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been cleansing in.
Not a doctor but I was a Nurse's assistant and a kitchen staff member came in and said “Help, I ingest fresh corn”. Apparently the cook had persuaded him that gobbling raw corn was lethal or something. I had a good roar about it.
I hope I'm not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors position in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish marry “re coming for you”, went on to say that the spouse couldn't was pregnant. They guided a pair evaluations, and everything was coming up normal. So then they passed him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pee-pee in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.
Ran to the dermatologist because of a discern on my as that I contemplated might be cancerous. Doc gazed me in the eye and said “Phil3 30, that's a pimple”.
Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Naval come in because he swallowed a rock. “Why, ” I asked, mystified, “would you withdraw a rock-and-roll? “
“I was hungry.”
I've had a few cases freak out because webMD told them that their rash was Stevens-Johnson syndrome.
Actual diagnosis: contact dermatitis from new laundry soap.
Nurse here, I work in Sedatives and it drives me mad the amount of cases that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that's a side effect. Regardless the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic apartment morning and asks me not to ask the patient about reactions, I'm mystified at this and question her why, individual patients was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a entertaining patient.
Paramedic now. Was driving with the two partners and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient's skeezy lover was going in the figurehead with me and apparently discovered a gilded opportunity to ask a question that had clearly been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs snack grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent travel the rest of the way.
While in dental clas your best friend gathered out various bombarded out( technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op teachings we leaved, “the mens” asked, “So when should I expect my brand-new teeth to grow in? ” He was serious.
As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner interpreting which line-up was the dog's left side.
My fiance is an X-ray tech. He get eerie cases all the time. He had to do a top CT on someone who came into the ER because she took two marijuana tablets and wondered why her leader was foggy and she find slow moving … Face palm.
I dated a Med student who had no idea how daughters exercised tampons .. He thought you “laid them sideways” along the opening to the vagina. I was rather suprised by this one..
Not a doctor, but I'm a onetime Special Patrols medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and various other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families queried incredible thoughts of me, such as putting mentalities back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn't papa any children.
Had a woman who was in active proletariat, despite demanding she couldn't be pregnant. She said her last-place stage was “like ten months ago” so she'd are going through menopause.
She was 25.
Was moving at a medical clinic once. A father-god brought in his 20 -year age-old son persuaded he had early signalings of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After persuading thr physician that's what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo 🙁 its pathetic how little some people know about diabetes
Not a doctor, dental hygienist…
Had indicated that covering your teeth with Comet( the cleaner) was not a good way to empty your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that depicting her teeth with lily-white digit nail polish was a bad idea.
Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her abilities out, heart rate 200. Can't sit still, returning off the walls. I show perhaps easing up on the cocaine. “But doctor, I Affection cocaine.” K.
I don't have to deal with beings cases, but I facilitated out a veterinarian for a while and there's a lot of dumb domesticated proprietors. Had one damsel who was really concerned about her obese lab get hiccups. The vet cause her know the dog was overweight and she told him he was wrong and then vowed we do diagnostic tests to “figure out” the hiccups.
Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist( eye doctor ). He formerly told me that one of his patients came in completely embarrassed why the “medicine in his glass no undertaking anymore.”
As a veterinarian, I had a 10 time discussion with an owner excusing which surface was the dog's left side.
Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian pair “re coming for you” and ask why they didn't get a child. Both damsels untill marriage at 26 and 27. I convey, they did sleep with one another every night. Sleep.
A friend of mine erroneously called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the see by acknowledging she was overdue for a cleaning…
I had a patient's mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 time old lad would separate his hymen and would he still be a virgin.
So , not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A& E because they needed their tacks remaking … They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their imitation tacks to take away and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.
I'm a urban pedigree doc doing locums and was working at a city family practice clinic when I saw this patient.
21 y/ o female , not overweight, in no distress and appears quite well
Me: “so what brought you in today”
Pt: “I'm pretty sure I had a heart attack”
Me: “okay, tell me more about why you feel that. what does this suffering feel like”
Pt: “like a heart attack”
Me: “oh I verify. When did you last-place have a heart attack that this feels like”
Pt: “I haven't had one before. But I get this ache each time I have my span. And I've transported my mommy to the ER twice with the same hurting before so I know it's a heart attack”
She was a non smoker who had no comorbidities, very noncardiac voicing chest pain , no risk factors and her father that was moved in to the ED, had an EKG , no bloodwork and sent home shortly after( though case swears both chapters were heart attacks ).
I queried a patient complain of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with “vertigo”. The daughter chimed in and said “no , no, she's a Libra…” I then giggled hysterically at her astonishing parody. She was dead serious.
Patient comes in with abdominal pain. “I think it's my gallbladder, ” they say. Seeming over their graph, I encounter their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they respond “yeah but it changed back.”
A memorable maid was utterly convinced that her friend came cancer because she quit smoking( not because she eas a smoker…duh ). This dame had a mild goitre, and her reason for not ceasing was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer'. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I cited her to ENT for her hoarse tone and she was surprised how fast she was received. I said ‘well you're a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer' “Smoking cases throat cancer ?!?! “. I always needed a strong coffee after her.
A memorable girl was utterly convinced that her friend came cancer because she quit smoking( not because she was a smoker…duh ). This girl had a slight goitre, and her intellect for not ceasing was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer'. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I pertained her to ENT for her hoarse tone and she was surprised how fast she was attended. I said ‘well you're a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer' “Smoking reasons throat cancer ?!?! “. I ever required a strong chocolate after her.
Ophthalmologist now. Told patient he necessity reading glasses which he didn't believe. I explained that everyone develops presbyopia eventually. “Come on, George Clooney doesn't wear reading glasses! “. A) yes he does& B) not sure why you are likening yourself with him…
Had a female patient. Her momma asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughter, I said “Your daughter's scrotum? ” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn't listen as she was so persuasion so I stopped quarrelling with her. And I too required her to go around saying it to other people.
The time I was telling the family that the patient is going to die and her laboratory outcomes( pH 6.6, lactic acid 25) are not compatible with living and they said they were pretty sure she would wake up if I introduce ice in her underpants. Well. Yeah we are not going to do that. She died and they still didn't believe me she was dead. They preserved trying to wake her up.
Doctor here. One we get usually is “I know my body.” Scoped a chap with knee suffering – the joint seemed perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body”
Told a maid she was pregnant. “No, I'm not. I merely had a big lunch. I know my body”
Absolutely, when something doesn't feel right and your doctor doesn't want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your torso naturally feels. But if someone has played an invasive surgery to be addressed by your brace, or has met a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.
Doctor here. One we get usually is “I know my body.” Scoped a person with knee grief – the joint inspected perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body.”
Told a madam she was pregnant. “No, I'm not. I merely had a big lunch. I know my body.”
Absolutely, when something doesn't feel right and medical doctors doesn't want to listen, seek two seconds mind. You know how your organization ordinarily feels. But if someone has acted an invasive surgery to look at your seam, or has identified a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.
Imagine a revved up copy of that dreadlocked beanie-wearing maid meme: “Uh, it's not vuh-JI-nah anymore, it's pronounced vaah-ZHEE-nah now.”
Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency district to get checked as she was punched in the belly. She wanted to go out for a fume so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking patter, she stopped me and told me I knew good-for-nothing as the newborn would be mischief if she stopped smoking straight away.
Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I fulfilled this magician online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she routed me a cluster of herbs every month to heal my HIV, and they laboured, last meter i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what assessments did you do to know you were dried?
Him: I made an online assessment that the magician “ve told me”, they were a great deal of random interrogates but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, it is essential to do a blood research demonstrated that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you devouring?
Him: I don't know the reputation, but I have them right here :p oints at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
I “re opening the” bag and what I construed was nothing but grinded oregano with something that reeked like chlorine … The case, unhappily, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microbe. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop making his meds…
Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped making your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I filled this voodoo online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she transmitted me a knot of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they cultivated, last hour i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what measures did you do to know you were medicine?
Him: I made an online assessment that the voodoo told me to, they were a lot of random subjects but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, it is essential to do a blood experiment demonstrated that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs saw you eating?
Him: I don't know the honour, but I have them right here :p oints at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
I “re opening the” bag and what I checked was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine … The patient, unhappily, died from a serious sepsis a month subsequently with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…
Radiographer here and had the ED doctor give me a request for soft tissue neck X-rays and medical doctors was p much like “don't question it, precisely do it.” Anyway after that patient had left the ED dr came and told him that the gentleman introduced to ED at 3am because he had hot milk three days ago and his tongue has been hurting ever since. The case basically burnt his tongue but was insisting on a X-ray to ensure nothing is wrong.
Woman with this weird abdominal cramping, blinking rendition. I won't say stupid because she possibly had some kind of undiagnosed dementia, but clearly the most bizarre.
Ask her what she is feeling, why she's squirming her abdomen “It's like it's trying to get out! ” “Like what's trying to get out ma'am? ” “My …. my …. my Sperm! ” “Um ma'am … you don't have sperm” “Oh”
For those of you puzzled, by the time I read her last official diagnosis was pseudoseizures. She had a tendency to start blinking parts of her body whenever we would start wished to know whether she had twitching in those areas. “Ma'am have you had any twitching in your legs”* she looks at leg, leg starts twitching” “Yeah, I have”.
Med student now, but I have had two winners.
When exploring a precancerous skin lesion on a patient, they opted to use their “laser ray” instead of classic therapy. It was a cancer laser ray that was bought online. It also apparently had “frequencies for arthritis”. They insisted that the vibratory frequency can be carolled to destroy cancer cadres, just like a trained vocalist may be able to use her spokesperson to undermine a crystal glass. The case did not believe that cancer cells and regular cadres would have the same frequency.
Another patient insisted that his cancer had been properly plowed at home with bicarbonate of soda( he gave me a website like phkillscancer.com or something ). The case too had with them a surgery report in which it sounds their bicarbonate of soda uptake resulted in buildup of abnormal calcium in the wall of the stomach, which had to be removed.
When I was shadowing in a peds contingent, a doc told me how a leader of a newborn was against inoculations, even vit K because he concluded the preservatives in them are detrimental AS HE WAS EATING A BAG OF F* CKING DORITOS. Family came in like a daylight eventually because the babies was about to bleed out.
While I am a doctor, this has come to my wife, likewise a medical doctor. Female pt came in complaining of sterilization. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun stumble “she and I…” and my spouse said, “wait, let's back up a minute.” Gyrates out the woman is currently in a hetero relation for a few years and never is pregnant despite exerting no care. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never is pregnant even though she genuinely wanted to, extending her to belief she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that understanding necessitates sperm( sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was skeptical, and exclaimed that she “didn't involve a worker in my life” and she didn't like being evaluated. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.
I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to inject their newborn because they heard that vaccines originated from monkey brains and they didn't miss their child to develop ape like characteristics.
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one marriage. Developing through my appraisal she significantly exposed that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldna
t affair a
because he utilizes a condom every time and he makes sure to dry it fully after every use.a
I asked what she wanted when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he applied said condom again..
Not a Doctor, but EMT.
Had a woman who was in active strive, despite contending she couldn't get pregnant. She said her last-place point was “like ten months ago” so she'd are going through menopause.
She was 25.
A woman came in for a child check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the babya
s bottle. So I started excusing to her as kindly as I could that she shouldna
t be giving her babe chocolate milk. At which spot she ends me and says, “Oh that isna
t chocolate milk. Ita
s coffee! He really cherishes it! a
A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she's having trouble breastfeeding. I bible her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, contribute her some resources, etc. Her appointment was penalize and she went on her merry method. A few a few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
A year later she shows up for her doctor's appointment, and she's morbidly obese. She must have threw 100 lbs on an once obese chassis. She's developed numerous health problems related to her heavines( that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her value. Of course .) She tells us she's never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn't changed, her work life hasn't changed , nothing has changed, the heavines advantage just happened due to~ hormones. We ask if she's breastfeeding, she says yes. We invite how she's getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plateau oatmeal a day. It toiled, so she's still doing it.
We figure this is how she gained so much better load( she's possibly snacking 2 large bowl of oatmeal on top of her banquets, with milk, sugar, butter, etc ), but the status of women contends she's dining 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it , nothing are in addition to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it's plain.
We send the doctor in to hear her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He's in the room with her a very long time — much longer than normal. When she comes out of the apartment, she obstructs her honcho down and walks off, inspecting incensed and upset. Medical doctors trod up to the wet-nurse counter and replenishes out the chart.
“You never asked what label of oatmeal she's eating”.
Yeah. Forms out she didn't know plain rolled oats were a event. She envisaged the breastfeeding clinic symbolized plain oatmeal cookies. She was snacking an entire package of Dad's oatmeal cookies every single day for a year( mostly a ‘bowl or two' fitted with cookies ), and could not is how that was different from oatmeal.
An older noblewoman was brought into the ED just intentional by her husband. In a terribly dense Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a cool speak prior to passing out.
The doctor sat the husband down and they did a autobiography. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In knowledge she spent the morning cleaning her sons saloon, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
Considering her senility they took these manifestations very seriously and begun feeing evaluations to find the resources of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his rail. He “ve noticed that” his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats' cooked the darknes before.
The son, the apple of his parents seeing, had to then explain to his father and medical doctors that the plows she had enjoyed were seat cakes. And apparently she truly experienced them as she gobbled quite a few.
They then had to sit down and tell this elderly damsel that “shes not” dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.
I had a patient that got a moderately horrible infectious diseases and became septic after putting collard greens in her vagina for several days because she thought it would encourage an abortion.
Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For the individuals who don't know, it mostly outrages your soul if it goes into a amusing rhythm.
He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.
I told him not to do cocaine. He hindered doing cocaine.
This happened in med academy. I was taking the history of a person in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
He responded, “oh yeah, I've had about 20 of those.”
“…you've had 20 heart attack ?? “
“Which doctor( s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist? “
“Nah, I never went to a medical doctor. My bride is a rub therapist, and whenever a heart attack touch, she starts to rub some distres extents and it stops.”
“……Uhhhhh, ok……What does it feel like when you have a heart attack? “
“I don't ever recollect them. My spouse tells me that I fall onto the storey and my arms and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a instant of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired subsequentlies, and I can't retain much of anything that happens to me until I take a delightful long nap.”
The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attacks. They usually stop on their own after a few minutes( at the most ), and his wife thought that her rubs were healing him.
I've had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only conclude he necessity both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his unchecked diabetes, his enormous and ongoing carbohydrate intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his repudiation of treatment for the monstrous infected winds on both feet.
A female doc I know at my institution likes to tell this story as an example of why one must ever ask for patient blame( i.e. “What do you think is causing your problem? “)
Really old-time chap came in complaining of foot grief. He was diabetic. Lady doc previously has a diagnosis in recollection, but goes through the whole shebang. At the end requests “And what do you think is causing the problem? ” He get: “I judge I have a tack in my shoe.”
He had a tack in his shoe and couldn't bending over to get it out. She facilitated him remove it and he went on his way.
As a self-diagnosing patient…One period notice a lily-white, hard, jagged object projected from my back gum. Can't belief I'm having a tooth come in, especially since I'm 23 and had my wise teeth made out years ago. Vanish to the dentist to get some X-rays annnnd it turns out to be a piece of a tortilla chip.
Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a particularly luxury middle aged damsel. Particularly cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we consumed that sometimes induced some hallucinations either running under or coming out of anaesthesia and listen some quirky things.
Anyway this female was in convalescence time coming out of the anaesthetic. The crew were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat( for exhaling) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her cheeks and said aloud, in her staggering accent:
‘That's best available fragment of cock I have had in years! ‘
The whole recuperation chamber exactly came about roaring. Luckily she didn't remember it.
I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I afforded him ketamine for a rupture reduction, or in other words preparing and splinting of a separated bone. As he was coming around he started with ordinary stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say “I'm fuckin liiiiiit I'm gonna do so many narcotics when I get older” to the gratification of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I'm pretty sure I generated a monster.
A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving residence she used a little feminine disinfectant spraying, just in case.
She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
The doc takes a quick look and says “My, aren't we fancy today! “
She and not exerted her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead inadvertently exploited her daughter's glamour hairspray.
Not a doctor but a nurse. I once moved into my patient's apartment responding to his announce daybreak. He had an accident and pee-pee on the floor on the way to the shower and was now laying in couch stark naked announcing for me. His wife, I suspect oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the urinate. Like gazes closed, hands over her heading, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee-pee. They are particularly a outlandish couple.
Went about an anal trouble. Medical doctors positioned his paw up to check all was ok, I made a slight interference and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That's nice”, instead of “That's ok”.
I went to the doctor to treat my fly throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don't know this shot goes right into the ass. As he placed the needle into my rear end I unexpectedly had it was necessary to puking. I wasn't detecting anything until the exact instant of contact with my cheek. I shriek STOP and immediately try to run over to the settle where I proceed to journey and come. Then I time start causing it all out over the flooring. I was just laying there on my slope blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn't one of my finer ordeals at the doctor.
Farted on my doctor's hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an specially soaking and raspberry announcing one. She giggled and said she'd be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.
I sounded a boner on the wet-nurse prepping me for a vasectomy … in front of my spouse. During the procedure the doc kept referring to my representative as Mr. Glad and talking about how hot the nanny was. The wet-nurse was still on the area btw.
Getting a physical around 11 -1 3 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward lump grab event. Plainly at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said “cough” I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire when he suddenly interrupts me with these names of sense “Son, when a follower has your balls in his hands you don't cough in his face.”
Dropped a bad rotten-egg fart in individual patients office. He asked if I reeked anything and I said, “no.” He was speechless for a minute, then says, “it smells like food.” He hadn't had anything to eat or drink in daylights because of cancer in his stomach. Must have been really hungry if he thought it smelled edible
Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower terminus. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are emphatically burned away but his scalp isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard( feel flare thrower) and happenings got a little out of ascertain. I smelled alcohol on his wheeze so I asked the chap if he had been drinking and he searched me immediately in the eye and said, “Nooooo”. I went drunk merely washing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, “Sir…liar, storyteller, throbs on fire”. The paramedics all grew at once and ran out of the apartment the latter are tittering so hard! The patient precisely gazed at me. He was so liquor it went totally over his head.
Heard this story from a nurse friend.
Some guy was dancing in skin close-fisted leather throbs at the opening of a brand-new nightclub in a nearby small-minded metropolitan. It was hot inside with the enormous crowd.
The guy fainted from the hot and was taken to the ER, where his breathes were cut off.
This revealed that the person had a duration of pepperoni in his groin, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to chortle in the hallway. At some site one of them said something like, “We've got to get back in there and deal with an subconscious patient.” At this item they returned to professional duties.
The other daylight I had a 400 lb, 50 time old-time patient who hadn't pooped in( she claims) 6 daylights. So I demonstrated her all kinds of things to spawn her go and the moment comes when she seems the urge. She's too heavy and unable to do concepts on her own so she asked for a bedpan. When she turned to her area, stool the immensity and figure of a small baby or large-hearted burrito slid out and I caught it. I appeared up at the aide and down at the babe sized poo and back at the aide and did my best not to titter or make a sound.
All I could think of is how I legit felt like I handed a baby
I once had the daughter of one of my patients march up to the hold depot, slam the crucial plot down on the desk and yell at me “How dare you say my mother stinks” I'm thoroughly puzzled by this as no-one had said anything of the sort and ask the daughter to explain what she entailed, she grabs the following chart, points to the row of “BO's” recorded on it and roars “Here you even had the nerve to write it down” I explained that “BO” meant Bowels Open not body odour before escaping to staff members chamber to chuckle my head off.
I am an ER doc. I formerly had a 20 time old-time and his lover come in at 2 am freaking out becuase “something had tore his throat open”. He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, interpreted good-for-nothing. So didn't want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I'm ogling, and looking….there is nothing erroneous with this adolescents throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok…what do you feel or realise? “I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE”. WHERE ??? Looking, appearing. It was his uvula. Somehow this baby had get to the age of 20 without ever discovering his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified….I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their recollections and pictured him his lovers uvula. Knowledge blown, another life saved in the ER.
I had a patient in her 30 s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that they are able to last 4-6 periods and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She time recollected she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.
There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she'd applied her diaphragm EXACTLY as she'd been told.
She carefully inspected it for depressions, related the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, emptied it and put it away each morning.
…And then her husband arrived residence from his night-shift.
I affixed this a while back when a same inquiry was invited:
GP here. The most unconscionable circumstance I've heard was from a boy who was something like 20 -2 2 years old. Extremely poor, illiterate genealogy. The boy had a bad action of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was “bite the sun”. Basically at noon he had to look up to the sunlight, open his lip as wide-ranging as is practicable and “bite” the sunbathe several times so it would “burn” his tonsils and cure him over such courses of a couple weeks. When that wouldn't study, hope B was to do the same at night but exclusively under a full moon.
I manipulated at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly agonizing and red attentions since got a couple of periods back. The last 24 h had been grisly. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no hypothesi why she had this eye trouble – she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to descend some pigment in her looks to check them in a microscope, and when I do I recognise she's wearing contacts.
She didn't like her natural attention emblazon, so she had bought a planned of blue-blooded emblazoned lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them , not even during darknes duration. Didn't even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no “foreign materials” in her eyes.
Needless to say, I dedicated her quite the harsh castigate and a referal to an ophtalmologist.
I'm a med student but I once encountered individual patients in the ER who came in because she lost her vibrator inside herself. It was still on. She sat in the waiting room for over an hour with that stuff in there.
I once verified a high school aged boys come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He apparently was exerting it to reach an itchines. Apparently the ache was in his spleen because that occasion was penetrating. Mom told me the storey, and how she had previously asked him to not rub himself with other things of hers. I didn't ask for any more details. I candidly guess she believed that he was just really itchy.
My pharmacist at my aged responsibility was a very beautiful female. Many parties complemented her, but we had individual patients that she would literally disguise from( duck under counters, around regions, fake phone calls if he had already seen her ). He said the worst things to her. For illustration, “if you were my girlfriend I would never let you out of bed.” Which in your reading-stuff-online-mental-voice probably isn't as bad as it was to have some creepy age-old lech cavity breathing and leering at you. He would request her horribly personal queries like if her tit were real and had she ever been with a white-hot chap before( she's black .) I approximate to respond to your wonder, she administered it by forestalling slash conceal from him.
I'm not a medical doctor, but I'm an ER nurse. I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one marriage. Changing through my evaluation she considerably disclosed that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn't thing “because he abuses a condom every time and he makes sure to soap it throughly after every use.” I asked what she signified when she said he washes it after every apply. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he exploited said condom again…
I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a serious onslaught a few times. My mothers were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dust, moistening bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents wished to accede to all of this.
Few weeks later, I'm back in the hospital. A physician recognized me and came over to talk. Then he stooped over and smelled my foreman( I'll never be borne in mind that. I thought it was so weird ). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents evidenced up, he requested part space, ‘Did you not know what it is I told you last day? Do you understand these attacks could be lethal? ‘
‘But we open openings and have stopped smoking in her area where reference is put her to bed!
Not a doctor, but my human virility professor in grad school had some curious legends. He wreaked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of experiences parties got married with no sex education. One duo was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed copulation or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what the hell is did in bunk, he learned the person was exactly depositing it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and receive what happened. They marry came back one more time to say “THANK YOU !!!!! ” and didn't need any more sessions.
Not a doctor, but I regularly have beings come in for nose interrogations because ‘when I make my glas